What I Didn’t Know
This is a step away from the norm in more than one facet. Firstly, any stories I end up telling you won’t be fictional ones. Secondly, simply to be kind, consider this a blanket trigger warning for potentially many unpleasant subjects. I really don’t know what all we’re going to get into today, because I’m writing this one as a flow-of-thought piece, so consider yourself warned.
In all the psychology courses I took to get my minor, and all the training and experience I’ve had as a grief counselor, no one had ever mentioned “Passive Suicidal Ideation.” Given just how prevalent and potentially dangerous it is, I am shocked this was never brought to my attention. What is Passive SI? These are suicidal thoughts of an indirect nature. And I had no idea what I had been doing, or that I had been eyeballs deep in depression for more than decade, until a random YouTube video popped up in my feed.
If you have laid down in bed at night and thought, “I hope I don’t wake up in the morning.” Or been driving through busy traffic and said to yourself, “Someone, please, hit me and make it good enough that I don’t walk away from the accident.” Or taken a plane trip and wished the engines would fail, or had other thoughts in which you hope for death to happen to you, then you have experienced Passive Suicidal Ideation.
Dr. Scott Eilers, PsyD, LP explains it in more detailed in his YouTube video, “5 Things To Know About Passive Suicidal Ideation,” and if any of what you have read so far sounds familiar (of yourself or someone you know), I strongly urge you to listen to what he has to say. It is a 24-minute video that respects your time, and is packed with useful and pertinent information.
Somethings to address moving forward:
Is this less of a problem because I’m not actively planning to hurt myself?
Does that mean my depression is less severe than people that experience Active SI?
Doesn’t everyone have thoughts like that? Isn’t it normal?
I used to have these thoughts and just figured everyone else did, too. Life sucked, it was hard, everyone suffered, everyone had a sob-story, and mine wasn’t special. All I needed to do was keep doing what needed to be done and get on with life, because crying about how unfair things were, or whining about how I felt, didn’t fix anything. I bottled, I compartmentalized, and I moved on.
As a teenager, I ignored my thoughts because I had the expectations of my parents to meet, and I knew how devastated my mom would be if anything happened to me. In fairness, my father would have been just was devastated, but our relationship was not as good back then – we were both suffering from things neither of us understood at the time. He was, however, the driving force of my determination to not cry, or complain, but to keep relentlessly fighting a war I didn’t know I was waging.
As a young adult, I continued to ignore it because I had friends and acquaintances that depended on me to be the strong one. I couldn’t tell anyone I needed help. Or that there was a hole somewhere inside of me where emotions were supposed to be, but weren’t. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t sad. I didn’t get excited. I didn’t feel scared. I didn’t feel anything. And because of a few key personality traits: the primary of these being a powerful aversion to self-harm – likely due to a traumatic childhood moment in which I accidentally flayed (yes, not cut, not sliced, flayed) the meaty part of my left hand right beneath my thumb. I was young, and dumb, and doing something I shouldn’t have been doing, and the consequences of my actions left physical and mental marks that exist to this day. So much so, that it is a mental struggle with myself just to prick my finger twice a day to check my sugar levels.
I didn’t realize it, but in my late twenties, I was getting worse. More and more often I was hoping that somehow, some way, it could all just end. That someone, or something, would put me out of my misery and I could check out and be done. I was tired. Mentally and physically done with living. It was getting harder to be the strong one. I was sick of feeling like I couldn’t depend on, or trust, anyone around me to take the reins and let me get my bearings. I was afraid the small collection of friends I had would abandon me if they knew I didn’t have the solid confidence and steadfastness they had come to rely on and expect from me, so I drank, and partied, pretended everything was always great, put on a brave face and a big smile, and played den mother and caretaker to maintain my sense of value.
And then, in 2013, a man sent me a message on a social forum, welcoming me to the community and extending an offer to answer any questions I might have. I chewed on whether or not I should reply for a couple days, and then plucked up the courage to take up his offer and ask a few questions. Neither of us knew it then, of course, but that man had just saved my life. And I saved his.
We’re married now – six years this October. And, while there are bad times, struggles, stupid arguments, and all the other pitfalls and obstacles of relationships to deal with, we’re happy. He has his drive and ambition back, a thing he’d been struggling to reclaim when we met. I have someone I can trust to hold up the world for me when I’m tired and I need a break, and I feel every emotion more keenly, and more vividly than I can ever remember feeling them before.
Granted, I complain very loudly and extensively every time that I cry at some stupidly sappy song lyric, or line in a book, or moment in a movie, or because He stopped to say I look pretty while I was feeling down (I loath crying, if you didn’t catch that). But I’m grateful, too, because I can feel things more like other people do. I still have a scarily effective “off-switch” that lets me detach really well from things like scary movies or woefully depressing/distressing news stories or life events, but that’s a different subject.
And all of that said to answer those three questions that we needed to address.
No. Passive SI is NOT less of a problem because someone is not actively planning to harm themselves. If someone is having thoughts like those expressed here, it should be taken just as seriously as any other suicidal thought. They are just as dangerous, and it is typically only a matter of circumstance and personality traits that determine whether these thoughts are passive or active in nature.
No. A person experiencing Passive SI symptoms does not have a mental or mood disorder that is less serious, or less severe, than someone with Active SI symptoms. Depression is depression, you either have it, or you don’t. How symptoms manifest does not make one person’s condition greater or lesser than anyone else’s. This includes whether it is chronic, or episodic depression – having depression in spurts, instead of constantly, does NOT make that person’s situation less serious than someone in a constant, prolong state of depression.
No. It’s not “Normal.” Yes, many people have thoughts like these, and most often, it is a passing thing that might happen in the face of a recent trauma. But if someone is regularly wishing death upon themselves, it is not normal, and symptom of a bigger issue that does need to be addressed.
Dr. Scott’s video got me started on down this rabbit hole of self-discovery that was as much shocking as it was enlightening. And if any of this sounds similar to something you, dear Reader, either have or are experiencing, I very much encourage you to give his video a watch for yourself.
But it doesn’t stop there.
After watching his video, I decided to dig a little deeper, and in doing some light research found links between Suicidal Ideation and ADHD, Dyslexia, and women with PCOS, and oh boy! – but did I hit the jackpot in having all three of those? I was shocked. Again. But I shouldn’t have been. All three could result in depression and/or anxiety for all sorts of reasons, and I knew that. And yet, for some reason, I had convinced myself I wasn’t, and couldn’t be, either of those things. I didn’t feel constantly sad or upset, or have a desire to actively cause myself harm, so I was fine. I just needed to get over it.
And that brings us to this very unusual, and unusually candid (at least for me) blog post. Because with my education, my background, my experiences, my work, you would think I should have known better and recognized in my self what was going on. Maybe not at the time, but certainly in the years following as I garnered that education and experience. But I didn’t, it never dawned on me, even though I was well aware of all the signs and symptoms. Given that, I know there are people out there that don’t have the tools and information I did, and are even less informed or equipped to understand what they may be going through.
Last time, I swear - If any of what you have read here has reminded you of yourself, talk to someone you trust if you have them – a friend or family member you can rely on – or seek out professional help. There is no shame in needing help. And without it, there’s no telling if you have a mental disorder that may require medical intervention, or if what you need is to make changes to your life.
And that’s it, that is my TedTalk for the evening. I’ve procrastinated making this post for almost two weeks now, but I wanted to share this information on the chance someone else in need will find it – whether they have grown past that difficult part of their life as I have, or still struggle with it today. Thank you for taking this journey with me, and whatever today may be, I hope your tomorrow is better.
All the best,
Leah.
Further information and resources:
Psycom.net Passive Suicidal Ideation: What It Is and What You Can Do
Psychreg.org Passive Suicidal Ideation and ADHD: Understanding the Connection
